Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer Released!

Screen Shot 2014-03-27 at 10.48.29 PMMy cousin calls me this morning around 10:30 West Coast time. He tells me that the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” trailer just went live. His tone was apprehensive; not really sure if he was excited or infuriated. He didn’t want to put any direct pre-disposition in my head. “Just watch it.” he kept saying. Well 12 hours later… I watched it.

First off: there’s clearly a new origin storyline. This comes to no surprise to me (nor should it come to any of you who have been reading my previous posts on this highly-anticipated moment.) When producers in their “infinite wisdom” *COUGH (bullshit) decide to completely re-invent an origin that has already been solidified in cartoons, comics, and previous movies for the last three decades, I don’t care how much HGH your turtles are taking, you better have an amazing new storyline to make me buy into it. Good luck with that.

Here’s what works… and a special thank you goes out to everyone on the Internet for this one.

When it was first announced that Michael Bay was going to do this back in 2012, he said they were going to be aliens from another planet. The Internet spoke out in furious anger and part of the script even leaked before Paramount did a clean sweep and started from scratch. At least now the turtles are not aliens from another planet anymore. But making April O’Neal’s father (who has NEVER been mentioned in the movies or cartoons or comics of my youth) and Shredder partners is something of a confusing and too coincidental of an anecdote at best.

William Fichtner is a fine actor. But why is Shredder a white boy? Where was Ken Watanabe? Roony Mara was just cast as TigerLilly in the new Peter Pan movie and everyone went ballistic that a Native American wasn’t cast. Double standard? What’s going on here?

I had a friend once say to me that Heath Ledger was a terrible Joker, but he was a great psychopath with clown makeup on. (Take it up with him.) I will use that mindset…

This WAS NOT the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” film we’ve been craving. It’s just  another “Transformers” sequel with the robots replaced by giant turtles. This makes me angry, sad, and instantly lowers my already low expectations.

I wonder what Splinter looks like…

Oh… yeah… and here’s the trailer.

 

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